Lost
I really don't know how to explain what I'm feeling right now.For most of my life I have loved writing. Always have, always will - I'll always be able to write better than I can speak. Because I loved writing, by extension I have always also loved journalism, and being able to inform people, to show people with words, is a feeling like no other - everyone wants to have a voice.
But you come to university, and realize that things aren't actually how they seem, or even what you thought they were. I have taken Journalism units for the first year of my degree, and even though I loved discussing ideas and learning about techniques of writing the part that always stressed me out the most was firstly the idea development part, and secondly (the one that completely freaks me out) is the interviewing part.
Semester after semester I have stressed over finding suitable interviewees for my stories, changing my topics time and time again to suit the available interviewees I have. Even then, most of my interviewees (if not all) were people I had some sort of contact with - whether through my parents, friends, or even my own friends, and that in itself was harrowing enough.
Now in a new country, new culture, none of which I understand completely yet - I had my first online journalism lecture yesterday, and we were asked to set up a Wordpress blog along with 2 other people in a group, and we had to think of a theme, story ideas and a name. The other two members were coming up with story ideas and themes and names, and my suggestions were nearly all not taken into account at all - perhaps I just can't speak properly, or they can't understand me, I don't know. But suffice to say that I had little to no idea (and still don't) of what we were doing. I didn't know what to do.
Losing control like that scares me a lot.
I don't know how to describe the conflict inside me. Part of me (and no doubt many of you will) feels that I should just suck it up, bravely try to forge ahead and do what I can. But another part of me shudders with terror whenever I think about it, and it's even beginning to become something I loathe - to think about getting over it this semester only to have to repeat it all over again next semester. Journalism is something I'm good at. It doesn't mean I want to be a journalist. And yes I am fully aware that there are other jobs I can do that don't involve being a journalist. The point is this course, majoring in Journalism, is geared towards people that do honestly want to become a full-time hardcore journalist, and it's even easier when I just tell people 'oh I'm doing Journalism'. What am I supposed to tell them? "Oh I'm doing Journalism..but actually I don't want to be a journalist?" Would you believe me?
I don't have time to see how it goes like. I have to trust my instincts, like I always have, and the problem is my instincts are fighting now. The practical part of me is saying 'you should just do it' but the instinct part of me is saying 'if you continue on with it as a major you're going to end up hating it'.
I already do, a little bit.
What am I going to do? :(
posted by FluffyRed @ 9:56 PM
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